THE WEREWOLF'S TALE

OUIJA BOARD--In a surprise move that delighted many, Suite101.com finally pulled the virtual plug on notorious faux journalist, Cassandra "Sandy" Frost.

The pseudonymous Frost, known to her numerous detractors as "Sandy Frost-Bites," did not make public the full text of the e-mail by which she was informed of Suite 101's decision. She did admit, however, that it included the word "libel."

Never one to exercise common sense, Frost-Bites quickly responded by publishing her very own weblog. In it, the Oregon gadfly darkly insinuates that she is the victim of a vast government conspiracy to suppress what she characterizes as her "investigation" of a small nonprofit organization.

Most laughed at Frost-Bites' paranoid conspiracy theories—at first. But it now appears there may be something to her tale of official censorship. Interestingly, the silencing of Sandy is wholly unrelated to her so-called "investigation."

Why the official crackdown on the incoherent ramblings of a crank "wannabe" reporter? It might have something to do with an essay Frost-Bites published in late January. That's when she came "out of the closet" and confessed that she was part wolf, i.e., a werewolf.

If Frost-Bites had simply expressed a belief that Wolf was one of her animal spirit guides, no one would have thought twice about it. Many people, including Native Americans, believe in the existence of such guides. But Frost-Bites pointedly declined to embrace the Spirit of Wolf.

To the contrary, she took the extraordinary step of admitting that she is, physically, a human-lupine hybrid. "I am part wolf, as evidenced by my heightened senses of hearing and smelling as well as my 'gold wolfy eyes' that glow at certain times," she wrote in a rambling, psychologically-twisted essay entitled Martin Luther King Day, RV and Hatesites.

It didn't take long before Frost-Bites' ill-advised confession came to the attention of a powerful politician in the neighboring state of California.

Although he publicly denies it, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger aspires to be President of the United States. There's just one small problem: the Constitution requires that the President be a "natural born citizen." Schwarzenegger immigrated to America from Austria.

Schwarzenegger decries the Natural Born Citizen Clause as discriminatory against first-generation American immigrants, and has proposed that the Constitution be amended to eliminate the requirement. So far, it's been a hard sell. There's not much of a constituency for first-generation immigrant presidents. So Schwarzenegger has been searching for a "hot-button" issue to which he can marry his quirky constitutional quest.

And he may have found one in Sandy Frost-Bites' werewolfism.

Just two days ago, Governor Schwarzenegger issued a public statement warning of the grave danger posed by the Oregonian werewolf and suggesting that a constitutional amendment banishing it from the United States would be the most effective means of countering the threat. As expected, elimination of the "natural born citizen" requirement for presidents was offered as a corollary solution to the werewolf problem.

When contacted for comment, Frost-Bites angrily denounced Schwarzenegger for branding her a menace to Californians. "This is all about politics," she fumed. "So what if I practice vicious voodoo journalism? So what if my cyberspace howling irritates people? So what if my eyes occasionally glow yellow, frightening small children and pets? So what if I have fleas?"

Frost-Bites says she's made many friends in the remote viewing community, and is confident they will rally around her if Schwarzenegger continues to malign her werewolfism. "I'm special," she declared. "I'm an endangered species and I deserve federal protection."

Several members of the remote viewing community, speaking on condition of anonymity, vehemently disputed Frost-Bites' claims. "She's not part wolf," one scoffed. "That's just her way of threatening people. The secondary dictionary definition of 'wolf' is 'a fierce, rapacious, or destructive person'. It's that imagery she's trying to evoke for purposes of instilling fear in those who might otherwise oppose her." Another viewer nodded in agreement. "She also claims to have the ability to cast old Indian curses on people—especially on those who exercise their right to free speech through satire, parody and caricature. She says something bad always happens to the victim's hands."

"Ooooh, I'm so scared," another mocked, rolling his eyes with disdain. "Sandy doesn't have any friends in the remote viewing community," laughed a fourth. "She's alienated just about everyone."

"I wouldn't take Frost-Bites seriously," advised another with a dismissive wave of the hand. "She has a reputation for writing slanderous faux 'news' pieces, filing false complaints with authorities, and spreading vicious lies about people she doesn't like."

The most unusual comments came from two short, ashen-complexioned fellows wearing over-sized hats, trenchcoats and sunglasses who asked to be identified only as Spooge and Stooge. "Sandy Frost-Bites is a pissant defamation artist," snickered one. "That means she's a lying sack of shit," chortled the other. "And you can't believe a word she says."

Read Governor Schwarzenegger's Public Announcement.

In the next issue of SLIME Magazine...