by Ahhhnuld Schwarzenegger


Peeple of Kaleeforneeja:

I am your Governor or, as some like to say, your Governator. Heh, heh. Dat is da roomor I hear on da Freeways und Nude Beaches und all of dis.

You all muss know how great I haf done wit da State since you got rid of da Last Governor of Kaleeforneeja, Gray Davis, who was a dissaster! He was such a dissaster, I haf to borrow money to clean up his dissaster. But not wit da tax-und-tax-und-spend-und-spend policy of Dummocrats like my sexy wife Maria. Noper. I make da big Debt und bury us under it. Ja.

But dar ist a big Problem right now wit da Bitch Werewolf in Oreegon, near da Kaleeforneeja border, und we muss do someting soon before Voodoo Joornalizm takes root in Amerika.

Some of da Peeple of Kaleeforneeja are Durty Hippies into protecting endangered species like da Oreegoneejan Bitch Werewolf und all of dis. Other Peeple, like da Wealthy Kapitalist Repooblikans, are not into protecting da Bitch Werewolf und want your Governator to stop wit all of dis. Dey do not like da Durty Hippies or da Oreegoneejan Bitch Werewolf dat steals cadavers from UKLA Medikal Skool. Noper.

I know how to handle all of dis. We muss haf da Konstitootion rewriten. Ja, we muss take da Pencil und add someting like "no Bitch Werewolves allowed in Amerika". Dis is so simple, it's reedeekulus.

Once we do dis, da Oreegoneejan Bitch Werewolf threat will be terminated. If we do not do dis, den like da Wealthy Kapitalist Repooblikans say, it will be Armageddon und da End of Days und da Judgment Day becoss we will be living in da Bitch Werewolf Repooblik of Voodoo Joornalizm und I will be Totally Recalled like Gray Davis und dat would be Totally Hoomiliating.

However, I cannot do dis to stop da Faux Nooz Apocalypse from destroying Amerika unless we amend da Konstitootion to ban da Bitch Werewolf. Und if we are going to amend da Konstitootion anyways, we might as well fix it so I can be da Czar of Amerika.


Becoss of diskrimination against Pumped-Up Austrian Immigrants. Tink about all of dis! I cannot be da Czar of Amerika but da Bitch Werewolf can?! Outrageous! Und dis is Amerika ... home of da Free? Outrageous und reedeekulus! Da stoopid Konstitootion won’t allow it. Und what about Yoda, da outrageously small but powerful Jedi Master? A Jedi Master does not qualify but a Bitch Werewolf does? Dis is trooly da most fantastikally, reedeekulusly, outrageously, outrageous, outrage dat I can possibly tink about und all of dis.

We muss take dis diskrimination against Pumped-Up Austrian Immigrants out of da Konstitootion wit da Liquid Paper und pencil in "no Bitch Werewolves allowed in Amerika." Ja.

Dar ist no reason but diskrimination against Pumped-Up Austrian Immigrants as to why I cannot be da Czar of Amerika. We must be against dis sort of diskrimination und End it Now! Once we do dis, den I can bekome da Amerikan Czar und I will enforce da Konstitootion und stop da Oreegoneeejan Bitch Werewolf from koming to Kaleeforneeja to steal UKLA cadavers und praktice Voodoo Joornalizm.

Und da Durty Hippies cannot stop dis Big Guvvamint Konspiracy!

Ahhhnuld Schwarzenegger,
Governator of Kaleeforneeja